NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I guess my first one is to actually update and utilize my blog. I mean I made it back in the day for that purpose, right? So in general, a lot of people all scoff at New Year's Resolutions, right? But I'll bet those exact people are all making resolutions themselves and just not admitting to anyone else so that they can continue to scoff. But to validate their perspective, I understand the cheesiness of new years resolutions. "NEW YEAR NEW ME!" Uh, really? I don't think that you're entirely new person because the year changed. But I can understand where people think "oh new year--> I could make some changes in my life this year." That logic I get.

Now I wouldn't exactly call what I'm doing "making new years resolutions" but refocusing on things. And those things are as follows:

--> Live up to my potential. You know, actually putting in the time and effort to be the best I can be. Whether that be in mock trial, leadership positions, classes, or within my majors (research, internships, additional scholarships). I hate looking back on things and wondering how they would have turned out if only I had given them my all.

--> Strengthening my relationships with people. There are a ton of great, fantastic, incredible, inspiring, caring people in my life. I really want to do more to let them all know how much I value having them in my life and having those people there for me when I need them. Maybe even you know, expressing more emotion to show it? Ha, the thought of that. I think my point is made though. Make more time for people essentially.

--> Learning to love myself. Not that I don't like myself or anything, but I could care for myself more. Learn more about who I am, what I value, what I want, instead of trying to fit to a mold of what I think all of those answers should be for me.

--> Be healthier. Which is probably the most popular new year's resolution but actually commit to my fitness and build a body that I like because I like it not because of some meaningless number on a scale that measures the effect of gravity on my mass.

Running Adventures in DC and Accompanying Deep Thoughts

      Currently I write this blog post while I sit in our hotel room during our last night in Baltimore. We've done a bit of hotel jumping during this trip, the past two nights we spent in the heart of DC which led to me indulging in morning runs on the National Mall for the two mornings that I could. (Basically all these boring trips are foundational to get to where I'm going with this). College gives you a lot more independence in general and with that I've had a lot of time to think about who I am as a person and who I want to be. Do I know much about either of those, not really. But I could tell you more about the latter than the former. Back to the DC bit, so morning one I woke up around sunrise to get my run in before going to watch mock trial rounds. I was determined to run down the National Mall and to the White House. Got a bit lost finding the National Mall, instead found the US Botanical Garden, then the National Mall, then got lost trying to find the White House and then eventually found the White House. Morning two went a lot better: Hotel --> National Mall --> White House. 

     One of the reasons I enjoy distance running (or my idea of distance....) is that for me it's time where I am all alone and how far and fast I run is solely dependent upon me and my mindset. I also tend to do a lot of the deep thinking while running. Now to elaborate upon all those, "I'm actually thinking about who I am" thoughts:
       I know precisely what  I want to be when I'm older but have no clue who as a person that is. Sure I have my morals and values and beliefs set in place but the emotional/personal side of me is where I have no idea who or what I am. The superficial: What one sort of style do I like? What sort of music is my main choice? Even trying to answer those I just feel all over the place. The deeper complexes in my mind: According to the Myers-Briggs test, I am very strongly a 'T' for thinking over a 'F' for feelings. Which I'm actually pretty proud of, I like the idea of being seen as unemotional and rational. I don't like the idea of being perceived as being dominated and controlled by my feelings. Nor do I typically like to display any form of them. But then I worry that despite what I want to be and want to be seen as, what I portray is the exact opposite. When I acknowledge feelings/emotions/whatever you want to call them, I get scared that those affect me too much and I let it show and then lose all appearances of not being that. Going with that (in a way), reaching emotional connections with people terrifies me. I find it hard to believe in people on personal levels, which admittedly probably has to do with the fact that I tend to chose to believe in the wrong people. The couple mantras that have been running through my head for the past week are as follows:
     1. I don't know that I believe in people but I believe in myself and that's all I'll ever need. 

     2. There was an Aztec song we read for my American Literature class and the line that has been stuck with me is, "If it is jade, it shatters." I'm not sure how many things last, they all tend to break and shatter at some point since every little piece of life is so fragile.

      So for anyone who does read all of my  self-reflective, I have no idea what I'm doing, sleep-deprived, exhausted thoughts: This one of the more personal posts I've had in a long time. With the growing and searching and discovering I've done thus far in college, I've become a lot more comfortable with myself even if I don't know who that is.  I am who I am and I'm over letting other people's thoughts of me influence who I try to be. 

And another, I feel it's necessary disclaimer: The tone of this blog entry definitely makes me sound like a really sad person all the time. But I don't mean it in that way at all, merely that I've been more reflective than usual as of lately. Quite honestly, I am a really happy-go-lucky person. If you don't believe me, ask anyone staying in hotels with me this morning how excited I get for breakfast in the early morning :)

To go with the story of my running experiences in DC pictures are posted below:

This was the, well I'm lost in the Botanical Garden, that is a really nice fountain/statue combination. I'll document that and take a picture.

I could see the Capitol Building from the Botanical Garden and seeing it helped me to navigate where the National Mall was relative to where I had been. So here's the Capitol Building at sunrise!

This was along my National Mall portion of the run: the Smithsonian Castle. Such a gorgeous building, as much of DC is. I wish I had more time here to see everything!

Washington Monument, at one end of the National Mall. I never got to the Lincoln Memorial which I had hoped to do. The Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument with the massive reflecting pool in the middle remind me of Booth and Bones sitting at the Lincoln sometimes at the end of the day. As a very devoted Bones fan, I have an additional appreciation for both.

This was my final success. So I was still some distance from the White House, but I really don't care that much. I was able to see it after all.

(This is still Day 1 morning run). This is the National Museum of Natural History. Probably my favorite building on the National Mall. Actually walked around inside the day before and was amazed. Made some effort at an impromptu meeting with Douglas Ubelaker, yep, didn't work. Worth a shot though, next time I'm in town! Which I really wouldn't mind spending a few months here, future internship?

Day 2 it was much easier to find the White House, I actually knew where I was going and all. And I was fortunate enough to get my picture taken in front of it! Woo!

Where Did the Past Two Months Go?

   Quick answer (if you know me at all, you already know the answer): MOCK TRIAL. Anyways, this title for a blog post seemed like it would enable me to be somewhat random in everything I want to cover with this post. Topics include: Where my time has gone, Facebook chat, men, and religion.

TIME: So since January, mock trial was a significant time commitment. Not at all a bad thing, in fact I loved it! I am so incrediblly glad that I joined mock trial this year. It was such a wonderful experience and I have met so many people that I would consider my new family in college. They are some of the funniest, most caring, respectful, well-spoken individuals and I look up to a lot of them. I'll really miss the seniors next year! :'(

FACEBOOK CHAT: I usually leave my facebook chat off. Why? I really do not enjoy talking to people over Facebook. Or texting for that matter. I much prefer in-person contact, you know, instead of superficial, technology-dependent forms. Really, I just feel like anything that's not in person is so forced and unnatural. If we're going to have a conversation, can we please just keep the bulk of it in person, face-to-face?

MEN: (***DISCLAIMER: I am not using this as a blanket statement for all men or as a generalization for what I think of all men.***) I really don't find the "player approach" to be attractive or effective. The way I see it, if you present yourself as having girls all over you, then why would I want to think that I would be any different to you than they are? I find the lady's man persona to be a turn off. Get over how many girls you could get, choose one and keep it at that.

Next point of contention here. I won't lie, having a guy tell me I'm attractive is extremely flattering and does boost my self-esteem and make my day as it would any girl. But when you ask my on a date for that reason and that reason alone, I'm not so inclined to say yes. Call me crazy, but I would want someone to want to date me for who I am not who I appear to be. (In other words, know who I am as a person, my goals, interests, etc.)

RELIGION: While I am not a religous person at all, I hate when people tell relgious jokes or make assumptions about other's religous views. I honestly do take offense to it when one individual chooses to insult another's belief system, even if it is in the most mild form. You could call this one of my pet peeves.

Other pet peeve: Not being direct. People, people, people. Can someone tell me what good it does to be ambiguous and beat around the bush? Anyone? Okay, even if you can, I still much prefer being blunt.

Until next time, there is my life advice and personal preferences!

Consequences of Honesty

      Something that has began to bother to some extent is that people can't be honest with each other if the truth hurts. We all say we want to hear the truth but when it hurts us we suddenly get mad that we were told the truth. Leaving whomever has the unshared information in an uncomfortable position. If we have information or a critique that is favorable we don't hesitate to tell someone, but if it's negative in any way. We avoid it. Or even lie. You know, when you're asked what you think of the new jeans your friend got. And while you think they would look better if they were shredded and no one laid eye on them again, you actually tell your friend they look great. That's a more cliche example, but you get my point. We don't want to be honest if it could hurt someone.
     So here's my advice, people need tougher skin and to take everything less personally. Knowing the truth helps you to make the best of any given situation or improve yourself in some way. This is also a two way street however. I want people to speak their mind and be as bluntly honest as they can. Oh, and not worry about the consequences of being honest. Life is too short to censor what we say.

NEW YEAR (Yeah, I'm late)...

    This whole J-term thing has actually allowed for me to find glimpses of free time on the weekends, well for now. Anyways, society uses the begining of the year to plan out what changes they want to make for the following year and how they want to change themselves. This year I of course fell into this pattern right away but with a couple weeks time I realized how pointless it was. I did the same thing last year, had all of these changes I wanted to make and I really don't think any of those lasted (which doesn't bother me, for the record). But it did lead me to this light-bulb-flickering sort of moment in my mind. All of the changes I'd hoped to make last year went out the window as reality walked in the door. Reality is there's more to life than just yourself. There's people, events, plans, so on and so on that are a part of everyday life and from reflecting on where I was last year, it's everyday interactions that really changes you more than you do.
     I know for me personally, it's a damned good thing I didn't adhere to all of my resolutions I had made last year. About a year or so ago last year I wasn't nearly as happy as I am now. I think a lot of just life happenings and such over the past year have led me to be a lot less emotional and more detached from people, which sounds extremely negative. But for me has been good. I used to struggle a lot with my self worth and would use other people's perceptions of me to decide what I felt I should be worth. I have since learned that self worth contains the word 'self' for a reason, I no longer feel the need to waste my time on people who leave me to wait around for them to decide I'm worth their time. Which is where the less emotional/attached thing comes in nicely, it's easy to walk away from just about anything, no strings attatched. Leaving me an overall more satisfied and happy person, cliche but I'm pretty set that if someone isn't going to last in my life then they don't. Oh well.
      So as for what changes I want to make for the following year. None. Okay, that's a lie. I'd like to be healthier and that garb. And I'm trying committing to being vegetarian (I've been successful so far!). But those minor tidbits are lifestyle not personal changes. If there are any personal changes during the following year, none of them will be by choice. I'd much rather just let life happen and react accordingly :)

Why am I allowed serious thoughts at such late hours?

      I'm pretty certain that after watching some random indie chick flick alone with candles and tea I really shouldn't expect any happy-go-lucky thoughts from myself. What I can expect however is myself to think. Think about why we don't seem to find that perfect, only in a movie ending. (You know, like the one I of course just watched on Netflix).
     It's those endings that seem so pefect that leave us going over and over and over in our own heads all the nearly perfect endings we thought we had. Which given, at eighteen it's not as if I have had many of those. Clearly. But there have still been people where I thought things would have ended better than they had. I realize how many reasons it really didn't work and really never was meant to. Wake up to mistakes I had made (or finally seen mistakes they had made) and know that whatever they were, I won't repeat them. Maybe we eventually learn from each unsucessful movie-ending in our own lives which wrongs we can't live with and which mistakes are right for us to make. That perfection will never be reached and we're left with this mix in the middle, that while it may have plenty of plot twists, it's what we're content to have found.
    On another note, it's 1:30 in the morning. And while my first semester of college has left me with many  life lessons learned and thoughts to ponder, they're better left for a later date when my thought process is closer to coherent.

Figuring out Life in College : Check

Life in college in a one word summary: busy. But multiply busy by at least fifty and that's what it feels like. I really enjoy blogging when I have something worthwhile or meaningful to say but it's felt like I either don't have time to or don't have time to deeply think about anything too meaningful. And what there is time to think of in that manner is more of the seriously personal stuff that there isn't time to share.

Recently I've caught myself wishing more people would take on a positive perspective on life. Forgive the past, enjoy the present, and be grateful for whatever the future holds. But I have to admit that while I wish more people saw the world this way, I don't at times myself. And then I have to wonder is it fair to preach something you don't practice? Can I wish everyone else was more positive when I know I myself falter here at times too? Maybe always having a positive outlook is possible, it just takes time. Change the "always" word choice to a "95% of the time" because everyone does have their bad days. It's inevitable enough. The long, drawn out point I'm getting to is that I wish people made more of an honest effort to see something good in everything. I figure it'd make life that much more enjoyable I've personally found that I have better days on the days where I allow even the smallest of things, like eating a grapefruit at breakfast, to make me happy.

Another big thing I've concluded in college is like being busy. I can't imagine what college life would be like if there were lots of large gaps of free time. Constantly having something to prepare for or go to has helped me feel like I'm really in college and starting a lifestyle that will hopefully reflect how my life in the future will look. I would say more, but what I have said is all I have time for tonight!