Nostalgia

From the Oxford Dictionary:

nostalgia

Pronunciation: /näˈstaljə, nə-/
noun

a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.


In my mind: Nostalgia, a beautiful, semi-painful, but not harshly so, thing.

I've been extremely nostalgic lately. Not missing the past, but remembering and reliving it. There have been so many wonderful memories, places, and people in my past. A lot of them are still here today. But everything changes with time so they're always different now then they were then. I got to looking at old pictures on Facebook, vacations of the past, parties from yesteryears, and quite honestly some reminders of how much of stranger who I was is compared to who I now am.

It's all those yesterdays that have shaped who I am and my perspective today. Travel has probably been the largest influence on me. I went to the Caribbean last year for Spring Break and I went to Germany for three weeks this summer. Those two trips really opened my eyes to a more worldly perspective, and how in comparison, a lot of my worries are irrelevant. Both trips reaffirmed how passionate I am about learning and appreciating other cultures, hence one of my reasons for being so excited to study anthropology next year.

But aside from the places, it really is the people. Even the ones you never speak to, the ones you just see, that have had the greatest impact on me. It's the mistakes I've made and what I've learned from them, the moments I'll never forget, the things I've learned about well...life, that have made me who I am today. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. Everyone that I've ever had any kind of relationship with has influenced me in some way, whether it be my musical preference or my life philosophies, they were all one of the reasons I am who I am.

Then there's the bitter side of nostalgia: everything single aspect of nostalgia has passed, never to relived or revisited precisely how it once was. It's sad quite honestly. Yet not a reason to dwell, if you look at it the right way. The right way for me right now is: "wow, that was wonderful and really something, so let's see what wonderful somethings tomorrow has in store."

My yesterdays were great and I hope every day can live up to that, maybe even always getting better.
Semper ad meliora : Always toward better things.

I don't call it life, this is paradise

But actually, my life is so amazing that I can't just call it "life" it truly is paradise. Also, for those who aren't musically in the know, the blog title is from "Pardisity" by Mod Sun. Anyways, WHY MY LIFE IS PARADISE:

-The people I have in my life are the greatest you will ever meet. To begin with my family; my brother is a bit crazy and wild at times but I know how much he admires me and how can anyone not adore someone who looks up to them so much?! Now my dad, he's the kind of guy who is super laid-back and puts a lot of faith and trust in me. He doesn't ask a lot of questions but he'll listen to me when I need to talk. As for my mother, I love her so much. I won't lie, she very often gets on my nerves and I wish she would leave me alone, but then I don't know what I would do without her. She is the one who no matter how big of a mistake I make, she is going to be on my side at the end of the day. She gives me a lot of support and pushes me to do what I want and to be my best at whatever that is. I suppose that was more so a dedication to how great of a family I've got, and I am extremely grateful for them. So.... other people:

-My friends, my support group, my base, my everythings! The people I'm friends with generically are the kids who aren't afraid to be themselves, they don't care what people think of them, and yes, they are a bit off-beat and dedicated to their video games... But, I wouldn't have them any other way. There's roughly 40 of us, and I can fairly say that we are a family of our own, there are the undeniable tensions but regardless of what drama there is, we're all one big loving group when all is said and done. Specifically for my closest friends. First off, no one would be wise to mess with them, I'm going to defend them no matter what it takes because I know they'd do the same for me. These people are the ones who are not just my best friends, but quite literally my sisters. We have the same problems and help each other to work them out, I tell them more than I would a diary.

-This one may seem a bit random, but my job at American Eagle! I loveee the staff their, they make my day every day I see them! I get great discounts at a store I love. And I get to interact with people and meet new people and all that jazz whenever I go to work!

-I have huge dreams and plans for the future. I prefer to call them plans than dreams, because plans are what happen while you're too busy thinking of dreams. For those who don't know, my plans are as follows: Hamline University for undergrad, majoring in Anthropology, minor in Biology and the certification in the Forensic Sciences. Then on to U of Tenn at Knoxville for my Master's and Doctorate in Biological Anthropology. Next become a ABFA certified forensic anthropologist and then settling into my career of being a forensic anthropologist for the United Nations on their International Criminal Tribunal teams, spending my time traveling and identifying genocide victims. As part of that I would like be an internationally known advocate for protecting human rights. In short, I like life because of how ambitious I am.

-My last point is going to be my perspective. I'd like to say I take a more optimistic view on life, I live in the moment, regret none of it, and make the best of it all. Not saying I don't ever have bad days or I don't have personal problems to ever work through, I'm just saying that I holistically I have a lot of fun living each day.

So there. That's what I have to say about why life is so great. Maybe you don't care that I love life, totally fine. But maybe you'll get to thinking about why you should maybe love it more. (:

Truth is.....

Here are some of my... confessions, beliefs, thoughts, and assorted ways for one to get to know me I suppose. Some of them will be more serious and some won't. It is what it is.

Truth is running before going to a Zumba class is a bad idea.
Yeah, I may have done this on Tuesday night and may have felt like passing out half way into the class.

Truth is there's no reason to not take chances. Unless they're dangerous I suppose.
Simply, go ask the guy/girl out! What is there to lose? I don't think there's often much to lose but often more to gain. Why not join Singing Valentine's when you're not in choir? Why not use that to go kiss random hot guys on Valentine's day?! Exactly. Also, totally did that this year. And had a blast I might add. Go ahead and rock that bright lipstick and those heels, if you like it who cares what others think, right?

Truth is I think the last guy I made out with may have broken my nose.
I wish I were joking but omg does the cartilage in the bridge of my nose hurt.

Truth is I don't want a date for prom.
Honestly, I can be confident and look hot on my own, I don't need someone by my side to feel that way. Now I'm not saying I'd reject everyone, I am however saying that if I go with someone--- don't take it too seriously. Senior year prom? I just want to have fun and make some memories.

Truth is public speaking used to be my biggest fear.
Then I joined debate because it was something I wanted to do, and then I had to get over my fear. But I don't think I really did until this current speech season where I was giving a speech that I wrote and that was therefore rather personal that I really did get over it. Getting over that fear has made me feel a lot more fearless and more confident. I am extremely comfortable walking up to just about anyone and starting a conversation.

Now to be more serious...

Truth is I don't need most people in my life, I choose to have them there.
So screw me over and hurt me, and I'll want you out of it. I may not immediately cut all ties, but I'll wish I could.

Truth is be blunt, not indecisive.
As cliche as it is "say what you mean to say." I've seen so many people, and I myself, have been hurt when people don't do this. If something's on your mind. Speak it, what good does it do to hide anything or keep it secret. Which sort of leads to my next one which is a big one for me.

Truth is: Don't lie. Be honest.
In a real life example, if we're dating, don't go out with another girl behind my back. Have the courage to say to my face that you don't want to be with me. Honesty is such a big deal for me. I hate lies with such a burning passion that if I were religious I would hope there is a special place in hell for liars to rot. If you can't admit who you are or your actions, why do it in the first place. I find lying to be so cowardly. Not that I'm perfect at this myself, I've lied to other people as well as myself, I just think it's something everyone needs to work on.

Truth is I try to hide all my emotions.
Despite how successful or unsuccessful I am at this, I am shamefully extremely emotional and emotionally fragile. In elementary school my teachers would tell my parents I was overly sensitive and not just that, but I let it show so much. I'd really like to think I do a better job of concealing it now but I don't know, I can't observe myself per say.

Truth is I want to get married. Someday. Maybe.
I always say I don't want to get married or have kids. But I'm not even sure how true that is, I like the whole romantic idea of falling in love and growing old together with all the glorious memories to accompany it all. I also know how damn much I care about my career and how I don't want anything to hold me back. And I realize, the right person wouldn't hold me back. Problem is, I fear I won't find that person.

Truth is I'm scared to let myself love someone again.
As soon as you love someone they have so much power and potential to hurt you.

Truth is I hate superficiality.
It's the "Hey, how are you?"
"Good, you?"
"Good, thanks!"
Even if one or both people is having a horrible idea. We always respond with "good" and by all means, plenty of times I bet it is good! But it's the times it's not where I wish people just answered with how it is.

Truth is I am so indecisive.
I never really even know what I want myself. I should work on this...

Truth is when I look back on some memories I still don't know whether or not to laugh and smile and enjoy them or to cry because they're over.

Dare to say it all.

So before I begin my long night of working out and working on my speech-- hell, maybe even relaxing?? I decided to finally have some courage and let people know this blog thing of mine exists. I don't write on here to please anyone, nor is this filtered for my audience as it all is on Facebook and Twitter. This is it, like my diary. Want my thoughts in all earnest? Here they are. If you don't like them, don't read them.


It should be pretty simple: here is my perspective of my life as raw as it gets.

I had to say it...

I wish you cared, not anything romantically or special, just cared enough as a friend to say "hi" and acknowledge the fact that:
1. I do still exist.
2. I was once a big part of your life for quite a decent amount of time, and you meant a lot to me likewise.
In short, I'm over it all; and I have been naive enough to believe that people sometimes really do stay friends after the end and now it another BAM from reality that that's not how it is.

Sunshine, Sunshine

Okay, I have a hell of a lot to do tonight so I'm making this quick. ( I got home from my second speech practice at 10:00... yeah ) Anyways, there is this tournament this weekend, big deal, national qualifier sort of thing. It is literally my only chance to compete at this tournament, I didn't do a real category in speech last year, and I am a senior this year; thus, this is it. So maybe I'm not the best, maybe I won't go to nationals, maybe I won't even break semi-finals, but it's my only chance to try. So I'm going to give it everything I can and all my effort, why half do something and always wonder WHAT IF you had actually tried and given it your all? That's why I am going to give my performances this weekend my all.

Now to broaden up to life, give every day your all. You only get to once.

Really though, YOLO

One shot at it all, right? You do only live once. You are born, you live, and you die. It's all that is guaranteed. Everything that happens in the middle is up to you. You get to decide what you're passionate about, what roads you want to take, what mistakes you want to make, what memories you want to make. I want my memories to be because I did everything I wanted, I want to take those risks and never have any regrets. Mistakes? Sure. A mistake doesn't have to be a regret, a mistake can merely be a wrong turn that you learned from. I've made plenty of those, but they all have taught me something different and allowed me to grow.

I'd like to think my growing right now is branching out. Meeting more and new people, getting to know the ones I know better, and discovering new things about myself everyday. For example, I tend to not like people.. But that's not a new discovery. A new discovery, after an admitted mistake, is that I don't like to just hook up with people, I want something emotionally there first. I prefer peaceful nights to going out and partying. Books, one of my top loves. As well as I've been thinking about how much I love handwritten letters, they're so personal. To compare, a handwritten letter = a face-to-face conversation > a text = talking on the phone. Sometimes I wish I lived in a simpler time, but I don't. So I'll just have to recreate the parts I like.