Why am I allowed serious thoughts at such late hours?

      I'm pretty certain that after watching some random indie chick flick alone with candles and tea I really shouldn't expect any happy-go-lucky thoughts from myself. What I can expect however is myself to think. Think about why we don't seem to find that perfect, only in a movie ending. (You know, like the one I of course just watched on Netflix).
     It's those endings that seem so pefect that leave us going over and over and over in our own heads all the nearly perfect endings we thought we had. Which given, at eighteen it's not as if I have had many of those. Clearly. But there have still been people where I thought things would have ended better than they had. I realize how many reasons it really didn't work and really never was meant to. Wake up to mistakes I had made (or finally seen mistakes they had made) and know that whatever they were, I won't repeat them. Maybe we eventually learn from each unsucessful movie-ending in our own lives which wrongs we can't live with and which mistakes are right for us to make. That perfection will never be reached and we're left with this mix in the middle, that while it may have plenty of plot twists, it's what we're content to have found.
    On another note, it's 1:30 in the morning. And while my first semester of college has left me with many  life lessons learned and thoughts to ponder, they're better left for a later date when my thought process is closer to coherent.

Figuring out Life in College : Check

Life in college in a one word summary: busy. But multiply busy by at least fifty and that's what it feels like. I really enjoy blogging when I have something worthwhile or meaningful to say but it's felt like I either don't have time to or don't have time to deeply think about anything too meaningful. And what there is time to think of in that manner is more of the seriously personal stuff that there isn't time to share.

Recently I've caught myself wishing more people would take on a positive perspective on life. Forgive the past, enjoy the present, and be grateful for whatever the future holds. But I have to admit that while I wish more people saw the world this way, I don't at times myself. And then I have to wonder is it fair to preach something you don't practice? Can I wish everyone else was more positive when I know I myself falter here at times too? Maybe always having a positive outlook is possible, it just takes time. Change the "always" word choice to a "95% of the time" because everyone does have their bad days. It's inevitable enough. The long, drawn out point I'm getting to is that I wish people made more of an honest effort to see something good in everything. I figure it'd make life that much more enjoyable I've personally found that I have better days on the days where I allow even the smallest of things, like eating a grapefruit at breakfast, to make me happy.

Another big thing I've concluded in college is like being busy. I can't imagine what college life would be like if there were lots of large gaps of free time. Constantly having something to prepare for or go to has helped me feel like I'm really in college and starting a lifestyle that will hopefully reflect how my life in the future will look. I would say more, but what I have said is all I have time for tonight!

"One foot in sea, and one on shore" -Mumford & Sons

     I woke up today. Kind of like I do every other do except I slept on the rug on the floor last night. It was oddly comfortable. But I also woke up with this total light-bulb-going-off-I-am-Einstein moment. It was as if this weekend reality slowly began catching up with me and this morning it was there, full force, not hidden, blunt as daylight. Now maybe I should explain how one, or at least I, lose reality. Up until this weekend, college felt like an entirely new life. A tabla rosa, a blank slate. I got to recreate everything, I had no past, I was a stranger to everyone I saw. It was weird, kind of exhilirating to realize that you truly could be whoever you wanted because know one knew your past. But I suppose I also got wrapped into that forgetting myself that I had a whole life before Hamline. Not that I had entirely forgotten everything, it just felt so distant with how much of what was becoming my life was a mystery. And there was a lot. The first couple weeks (and even still now) you set your tempo and schedule for this new chapter of your life. It doesn't leave much time for thinking or even really breathing. But then today it was as if I had that time to breathe and almost too much of it. I guess I got that first real pain of homesickness. I missed my parents and brother and dog and home. You realize that college is somewhat of a lonely place until you're really settled in. You are an adult on your own in this strange world. So that doesn't focus much on how rattled I felt today, but it builds up to it.  And so to quick cut to where the title comes from, it's sort of how I feel. In two polar places at once. Loving my new reality and remembering and missing (like hell) my old reality. From here is where I think I'm supposed to begin to learn how to mesh a balance of the two until they finally morph to be one and it's just all the same thing. I'd say the beginning of that started this weekend and I look forward to perfecting mixing the two into some glorious harmony. Somewhat unrelated, but still important to me. I have some huge thank yous to give, first off to all of my friends not at Hamline. Despite distance, they're all still there for me, it's incredible and love you all so much. Then to all of the new wonderful people I'm meeting at Hamline: they're incredible and I'm proud to say I go to college with them. I've met so many nice and friendly people here! I guess to summarize that: thank you everyone that is in my life for being in it. <3 p="p">
And a special thank you to my roommate, in short: she keeps me sane :)
 

College Week 1

Wow. All I can say is wow. I mean it's great, don't get me wrong. I can already tell it's better than any part of high school was. It is just so much freedom. For those of you in college you get it. For those of you not, you will.

It's a lot. Emotionally, specifically. I mean academically and socially I feel I'm doing perfectly fine. But emotionally everything is just so much. Not in a bad way necessarily just an intense way. I suppose it takes some time to adjust as they say I'm just hoping that time is not too long.

Otherwise, the school is great, the food is great, the people are great. And Hamline was easily by far the best school that I personally could have choosen for myself. So I mean I'd say that's  a step in the right direction. And with that, 8:00 am class tomorrow. Sleep well everyone!

Commencement

Commencement occurred for most of us roughly two months ago. At that time we left our pasts behind at our respective high schools in order to step forward with whatever path we choose to have ahead of us. I don't think that whole concept really hit me until yesterday when I began to pack up a vast amount of my personal belongings so that I could relocate myself to my new home. So today was the last of a lot of things for awhile. Last time I took my dog for a walk in the morning. Last time I had dinner with my family. And in the near future is the last time I'll fall asleep in this bed for a while. Then tomorrow I'll wake up, bundle up the rest of my things and travel to St. Paul with my parents in tow. Unpack my things, arrange them into a new space that I will be calling my home for the next nine months. I'd say I'm nervous and excited but the nerves aren't there so much. Therefore all I have to look forward to come morning is beginning life as a college student at Hamline University. That, my friends, will be my commencement.

Update, Round 2

      I'm not sure where exactly to begin seeing as how it has been nearly two months since I've last blogged. Which will be my inspiration for life advice for my darling readers. This summer, of course the one before beginning the rest of life with college, is the one that flew by the fastest. Even quicker than last summer during which three weeks of the precious twelve were in Germany. Perhaps because in a way I did take three vacations. At the end of June I enjoyed a camping trip with my friend, Shane, boyfriend, Alex, and Emily and Nikki, a couple more friends. When I say camping, I mean yes, full on tent in the woods (campsite... Same thing..) deal. The bonfires every night were something to be cherished and we played a good deal of Taboo! My next trip for the summer was during the beginning of August. I traveled north to the city of Park Rapids to spend five days at my boyfriend's cabin with him and his mother. I saw all the reasons the area has such charm for locals and read books and watched movies that I'd never seen, such as Forrest Gump, swam in the lake, and enjoyed very, very good Mexican food at Alex's favorite, Cumpaneros. I now understand why it is a favorite. My final trip for the summer was one with my family, one to sort of wrap up the first segment of my life before I fly from their nest out on my own. We have a tradition of spending a week in Door County, Wisconsin every summer. It's wonderful because we don't really do anything. We go to the beach most days, perhaps do one or two activities during the day, go out to dinner, and then in the evening I traverse to the main lodge and read. One of our traditions is going to an art studio where this year I was able to make a clock for my dorm room out of glass. Really, it is just a good way for our family to bond, destress, and take a chance to relax (naps on the beach were the best). Other than that, my summer has been filled with work, seeing friends and saying goodbyes, spending time with my wonderful boyfriend, working out when I have the motivation, and everything else that goes along with preparing for college. While I can't name everything I've done this summer, I can't say that I was ever bored. Which would be why I encourage whomever reads this to find ways to have a lifestyle that is the same. You can do nothing and not be bored. My point is to find activities that do enthrall you enough to the point that you don't know where the time went. The more memories you're able to make, the more experiences you have to go off of, and (in my opinion) keeping busy just makes life feel so much richer and wholesome. I cannot say that I wish I had had more free time this summer or that I have any regrets. The regrets thing is pretty big for me because I aim to live with out them, so all in all, I am very satisfied with how my summer has turned out and look forward to what going school on Sunday will bring.

For anyone looking for a healthier lifestyle, I recommend switching to almond milk. Just don't buy the unsweetened type, while it is healthier it has a more unfortunate taste that reveals so. Benefits of almond milk include that in comparison to dairy milk there is 50% more calcium per serving, no cholesterol, no hormones, and less sugar. Just a few perks and something to think about as an idea. I personally made that switch this summer and love it! The taste is incredible and for those of you who don't like almond, you can get it flavored; vanilla and chocolate.

Another thing I have done this summer is explore a wider variety of music I believe. To start us off, my friend, Tara, has a song out with a video. Link is provided: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXg9zN7T4TQ Her lyric is incredible!!

Album suggestions would be: -The Black Keys: El Camino
-Neon Trees: Picture Show
-Grouplove: Grouplove - EP
-Iron & Wine: Around the Well, The Creek Drank the Cradle, Our Endless Numbered Days, and Kiss Each Other Clean

My favorite songs for the summer have been:
-Freedom at 21 by Jack White
-Silhouettes by Avicii
-Sunol by Will Stratton
-Eyes by Rogue Wave
-Stoner Girl by Mod Sun
-Sky by Joshua Radin
-Do You Remember by Jack Johnson

 Suggested workout songs:
-Bottlez by T-Pain
-#1Nite (One Night) by Cobra Starship
-Hey Sexy Lady by Shaggy and Sean Paul
-Save the World (Knife Party Remix) by Swedish House Mafia
-Morning After Dark by Timbaland

For music while studying this fall, my favorite artists are: Joshua Radin, Iron & Wine, Mumford & Sons, and Matt Nathanson.

While this post was rather superficial, I have been away from my blog for a while so it'll likely deepen up some again as the year goes on and I am left on my own to find myself more than I can imagine right now.
-

Why does society make it so easy to feel inadequate?

If anyone tries to tell me that they've never felt unattractive or like they weren't enough, I will very likely not believe you. And here's why. What our society constructs to be perfect and beautiful is aside from unrealistic, so close to be unachievable and very few are the ideal of what we deem beautiful. Literally, look at any form of media. Or hell even comparing yourself to other girls at school or whatnot. It's just so easy to feel like you're not as good as them. You're not tall enough, you're not tan enough, you're not thin enough, your hair isn't long enough, your fingers are too fat (mine actually are rather plump looking. I hate the word 'plump.'), etc., etc., etc.

I won't even deny it. I wish I were tanner, I used to starve to be skinnier. It's just so easy to feel like you don't measure up to what you think you should be in order to be liked or deemed even mildly attractive. It goes back to that whole body image thing so much. So biologically for females, a curvier figure actually is what men are attracted to based on what would be advantageous for them to mate with in regards to evolution. Yet as our society began to develop a cumulative culture over time, we saw the value of our image, our superficial appearance mold to become the stick thin, perfectly toned figure it is today. But this didn't just happen over night. The 1920's saw a bit of the skinny image as an idea. But with the 1940's and 50's we had idols like Marilyn Monroe flaunting perfect curves. That became the coveted image. Then with the 60's we had the arrival of Twiggy. And that's where we began to diverge from what should biologically be attractive. The 60's began the notion that thinner was better. And that ideal only intensified over the years. Now here we sit at 2012. The perfect female body as projected by our culture is the stick thin one. Want to know what many girls strive to achieve? Go look at any fashion magazine or gossip TV show. And that darned idea that to be pretty or have anyone find you attractive you must be at most a size 2 and have a BMI below 20 and you better have a thigh gap is just so unrealistic. And it's not like I'm trying to criticize every other girl out there, I've wished for all of that too as aforementioned how I'd tried to get there. I don't even know what the key ingredients to being happy with yourself are, but I know they exist. I know more people should embrace themselves as they are.

To shorten everything I said if you want the quick version of it:

1. Society's ideals are unrealistic.
2. The ideals are crushing to one's self-esteem.
3. There needs to be a more widespread realization of the unbalance between the ideal and reality so that more girls, or just people in general, can accept themselves as they are.

My Planned Day

Well I'd like to finish cleaning and perfecting my room and I could really use to put all of my clothes away. I'd maybe like some time today to read, I haven't yet finished the latest issue of Nat Geo. I also would love the chance to wash my car. Not take it somewhere, but hand wash it the "old-fashioned" way. Judge all you want but I think it's fun and more satisfying to wash it yourself plus you get some Vitamin D and fresh air! Hmmm, I also would like to have the time to develop a work out plan and training program in order to get somewhat back into volleyball even if it is just for intramurals. Then I need to organize my school stuff for next year, get my transcript in the mail and order books and whatnot. And thank you notes from my grad party. Yeah, I don't know where I'm supposed to find half of these people addresses to be frank. Then the cherry on top of it all will be heading out to the Saloon and possibly Sex World with a couple of friends. Yeah, that sounds like a good day assuming I can get all of that done. So I'm going to go work on that and I hope everyone else accomplishes their plans for the day!

Freshmen status

      I have had a lovely day. Upon arriving home from Hamline at approximately 11:00 I slept. Until 3:30. I NEVER get that much sleep. It was a very nice change to do absolutely nothing today (aside from sleep and read). Anyways, I also have made my status as a freshmen in college official. This morning, (after sleeping over at Hamline for the first part of their orientation program) I registered for classes and got my ID. And I can't say that I'm upset with picture, it only lasts for the next four years. No big deal.

      Part of Piper Preview (the overnight last night at Hamline) was to get students excited for the fall and introduce them to what life changes are to come and all the incredible people they'll get to work with and become friends with and it is an amazing experience. I came home today and it felt like the end of August, as if I should be going to college in a couple weeks as opposed to a couple months. I mean I'm honestly just that excited to start school again! I feel like kindergartener stepping onto a school bus for the first time again, this giant yellow boxy automobile that has only been seen on television. Knowing that it's going to take you to the start of a big portion of your life. Piper Preview was college's first step onto the foreign golden yellow object. I'm overly joyed and thrilled and every optimistic feeling there is for this fall, I have the schedule I was hoping for, I met some amazing people this weekend, and I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter of my life.

 

Well this was going to be about religon and personal stories, but....

First off, yes, I have not blogged in a while. Sorry if anyone actually reads this and likes updates on my life. Another idea is to check Facebook or Twitter, then again this is much personal.

Tonight I was talking about churches with my good friend Connor, and so basically I was going to talk all about that because in short there is a pretty extremely personal story in there but it's not really something I share with next to anyone because I'm still not sure if it affected how I think of church and religion and boys and other things. I think it did then and it doesn't now and now I am who I am take it or leave it. But then...I don't know if there's words for randomly being incredibly frustrated despite how perfect everything is. And that's the thing, it seems like nothing stays perfect forever so I feel like I'm just waiting to see what will and does go wrong.

Hearing a song and wondering if it's genuine, do people ever actually have moments like that? And do they recognize them when they do? I don't know either. I'm pretty sure anything with emotions or feelings is where I shutdown and collapse, I know it's not my strong point. Sometimes I just want to fast-forward and know what will happen and then live it, knowing the result(s) and being prepared for it. I suppose that would take all the excitement out of life and chances and opportunities, so scratch that idea. There's a reason I only sometimes wish I knew how everything turned out.

Now to go back to who I am in real life, away from the security of being letters typed on a computer screen. Life really is going so well right now! For example I have a boyfriend who treats me better than any guy ever has and made me wake up to the fact that's how everyone in the past should have treated me. It's entirely different, but by far a good different. For senior project I am working with one of my idols, Dr. Susan Myster, and she's giving me consent to take Human Osteology this fall despite lacking the prerequisites, she's provided me the most amazing opportunity a high school student with my dreams could ask for, and I get to work with her for the next four years! Other good things would include the fact that I'll be receiving some form of a scholarship tomorrow night, I get to present my project after that, attend a pool party with best friends from high school the next night. And then Friday, my grandpa is driving down form MI, I haven't seen him in literally years and I don't believe he has came to Minnesota since I was a kid. My uncle from California is flying in and I haven't seen him in a year or so as well. And the fact that they are all coming for me? Because of the fact that I am graduating? I am so lucky to have a family that cares for me like that and wants to see me succeed in life. It's a great feeling.  So then Friday night, Chaska's Class of 2012 graduates and we spend the night together rejoicing in our achievement and remembering the good stories of the days we're leaving behind.

Hmm, so that feels a bit like a rant but there's a variety of topics in there so maybe it's an accurate reflection of my mind.

One more day left? Really? Just one???

          Obviously I know tomorrow is (technically) my last day attending classes at Chaska High School, but I haven't quite absorbed this fact yet. The idea just sounds way too surreal to be true. At 3:00 tomorrow, my world is no longer that school but rather whatever I make it to be. I'm hoping to make my world one that isn't confined to the Twin Cities area but rather as international as possible. There are so, so, so, many things that we take for granted here or in any developed country. Some of the most basic things, such as our political and social freedoms and even right to exist as a human being, go unnoticed every day. To us they are such a part of our norm that we rarely, if at all, imagine what it would be like to lose it all. Unfortunately, the lack of that all and more are the norm for far too many people in this world. Which is why after all of my schooling (goal being a PhD in Biological Anthropology) and certifications (by the American Board of Forensic Anthropology) my dream is to serve as a forensic anthropologist for the United Nations identifying genocide victims. For me it would be the chance to show the rest of the world what injustices have been inflicted while no one was watching, to tell the stories of those who no longer can. My hope is to bring the world closer to a universal recognition and respect of human dignity.
         That's where I want to go with my life. But right now, I'm here; I am an eighteen year old girl, living in Chaska, Minnesota,college-bound, and still with so much to figure out. There are times where I still feel like the freshman who is intimidated by everyone and everything. Who can't talk to boys because that is clearly way too scary and what if I look or sound stupid. The sophomore who cared about sports. And only sports. (I should have cared more for the people in my life and how wonderful they were to me). The junior, that while one friend is pregnant, I still have yet to receive my first kiss to understand the concept of what it means to have a boyfriend or be in a relationship or "have a thing" with someone. The senior who is trying to take chances and live without regret. That is learning how to show emotions and feelings and accept that sometimes it is okay to have a bad day. It is okay to need to talk to someone. The senior that learned a lot, through good and bad experiences, throughout the year. 
       So, here's to  summer 2012. To going swimming in the dark when you're supposed to be at home, to the bonfires that lead to the meaningful heart-to-hearts, to cherishing what time we have to enjoy life with friends, to long days on the beach, to too often trips to Freeziac's, and to whatever else comes along the way. No matter what happens, it's going to be the best summer yet. It will contain more colors and more noise and more memories. :)

half-lost

I know who I am and who I want to be, but sometimes I have no idea what I am in this world.

Take a breath and let the rest come easy

That? Above? Yeah, it's how cool I was as freshman. I mean yeah. What more can I say, besides we all have those embarrassing pictures of ourselves from when were younger. But my oh my how time flies, we got the letters we wrote to ourselves in 7th grade this weekend. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who read that and was in some form of shock at how much things have changed and how quickly too. To think, (for those of us doing senior project), we have 7 school days left. Then we're allowed to never go back to that high school again. Anyways, not that anyone will care or understand my excitement, but my I talked to my senior project mentor today (one of the top forensic anthropologists in the nation and one of my professors for the next four years!) and she's just thrilled that she gets to be doing my undergrad work with me and she's going to be my adviser for at least freshmen (likely all four though) year! But wow. We're at the end. I'm not sure if it's it hit me entirely or not. Especially cause right now I can't decide whether everything is falling apart or falling together. I most certainly see what's falling apart and maybe it's for the best. But I also see how much my plans and dreams for the future are coming together. In addition to that, how much I have in my life and how many people in my life I have to be grateful for.  Nonetheless now is the I'm terrified to try and take a chance but also scared not to. I suppose it's a part of the fact that once high school is over, you really are your own person and you're given the rest of your life to decide who it is you want to be.

We have a few weeks  (sort of) left, we graduate, we have our senior party, there are grad parties. Then it's entirely possible to not see a lot of these people ever again. I think with that in mind, everyone should see how many people they can leave with positive memories of them.

"you can always reinvent yourself" -Justin Haffner

First off, for anyone who reads this, I'm a bit sorry. My posts tend to be all about me, given what else would someone expect form a personal blog? But still, it always seems a bit self-centered to write all about my life and half the time know nothing about anyone else. I guess what I'm attempting to say, is that if anyone ever needs an interactive diary, I'll be there to listen.

For anyone who cares for music: a song that has been stuck in my head the past couple of days is "Jolene" by Ray LaMontagne. His voice is rather soothing if I say so myself, and the lyrics are a sort of tragic beauty.

And now to connect back to what this whole post is about.

Tonight I attended the Chanhassen Speech and and Debate banquet (I was on their debate team). Afterwards I got to talking with my former discussion (a category in speech) coach, Mr. Haffner, and I got his words of wisdom and advice for the world after high school. The ones that stuck with me were "you can always reinvent yourself." I mean just think about that for a moment, how many times you've evolved as a person to become who you are today. How whatever happened in the past, good or bad, shaped every aspect about who you are. For me, I think about how much I have evolved and matured emotionally. Once upon a time I was terrified of feeling anything, then I began to and wound up getting hurt, then went to wishing feelings didn't exist at all. (The last phase didn't last as long as either of the other two did.) I'd just say that I have been at that point where I have experienced so many emotions that maybe I finally understand them all better. The song I mentioned earlier? There's this lyric, "still don't know what love means" and it somewhat haunts me. Because in short, I once thought I knew what love was, until I woke up and saw every reason why I didn't really, but whatever, life goes on. Because whatever is in the past, you absorb as a component of your make-up and no matter what it's going to impact you somehow. How that impact affects you, is how you reinvent yourself.



That felt emotionally loaded. Gross. I usually try to avoid anything that invokes too much emotion, it's just too risky and not my thing. So, on a lighter note.....Life is pretty great. I went to prom with one of my best friends, she is quite literally like my sister, she's the one who's been there to talk to me at 2:00 in the morning, who's offered to let me come crash at her house when I just need to get out of my house, who's encouraged me to do some of the most ridiculous things--none of which I have regretted, who is just as excited about positive things in my life as I am. Yep. And I really liked my dress for prom. I need excuses to wear it places. If you have ideas, let me know. I'm really looking forward to summer! Then again, who isn't?! I'm excited for all the memories I intend to hopefully make. I'm hoping to order a human osteology textbook and some Shakespeare for summer reading (I love love love A Midsummer Night's Dream). And overall I am so thrilled to start studying anthropology as a focus this fall! That's all I've got for now.

Life Goes On

           If you are in my friend group or know of what goes on well enough, then you know there's drama. Now this post is not to throw anyone's names to shame or discuss what drama. But drama, I've decided it's almost essential to graduating high school. Honestly, it's stressful, it's treacherous, it's harmful, it seems nothing good comes of it, and we all encounter it. And here's the big shock: NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, LIFE GOES ON AND SO DO PEOPLE. In other words, no matter how horrible one moment or one person might seem, the more time you spend dwelling on it, the longer it exists. The moment you cease to acknowledge it is likewise the moment you begin to go on and stop letting it affect you.


          Far too many times, I've seen people do the whole "go out with a bang" some grand final, usually mean-spirited, note to end with. And hell, I have made that mistake countless times too. And where was the benefit? Oh, right. There was none. When you walk away from the mess, do it with grace. Keep your dignity and don't stoop to someone else's levels. Hold your head high, smile, and kill them with your kindness.

#YouGetBonusPointsIf

First off, how cliche is this situation: late at night, teenage girl, listening to Joshua Radin (or just any mellow music counts, really), post-girls night, sitting up alone, and left to pour out her feelings. Wow, I hate being a cliche. But in this situation I am, my words however hopefully are not.

The twitter trending topic of how someone gets bonus points in your book was my inspiration for the post. Thus, below are how to earn bonus points (brownie points are cooler though) in my books.

-The one I put on twitter. Make me smile and laugh. I laugh at the dumbest of things and sometimes I laugh at everything, I'd like to think I smile a lot. I've been told in the past that I did, given I have evolved over time but I hope I still smile and am therefore easy to make smile.

-Understand balance in application to everything. Know how to be carefree and live in the moment but also notice when to be serious and thoughtful. Basically, take risks but be wise enough to not make the stupid ones. Balance in interaction, I like the people in my life! I like to see them, talk to them, etc., but know when some space between us is okay. Nobody's a fan of suffocation right?

-Manners! Call me old-fashioned, but anyone with some common courtesy to display is winning in most of my books.

-Go-doers. That one doesn't make sense. I get it, sometimes you don't want to do anything, sometimes you need to be broken and left like that. For some time, but then don't let the shit in the past get you down forever, stitch yourself back together and continue on with life. It does go on.

I'm bored with these. Lacking a transition to personal stuff, ya know, what would go in a diary.

Senior year! It's been great, I've loved my years in high school, I have gone to school with some of the greatest kids anyone will ever meet! I love my class for how much of a family we are. Anyways, PROM is soon. So, prom ish:
1. Drama. Prom sure seems to bring out the best in everyone. (*Sarcasm*) It creates so much stress for everyone despite how simple it should be: make plans, have fun.
2. I got a date! Yeah, it's a girl. Yeah, I'm straight. It's one of my best friends from another school, she's been there for me like no other through thick and thin. In other words, it's too late for the next part to have an impact. All through out high school, I will have never been asked to a dance. Kind of sad I'll never have any of those stories to tell but also, it really makes no difference. I've gone to all the dances at my school and they've all been wonderful as they were! That's what happens when you have friends as incredible as mine! :D


Have I mentioned how ready I am for college? Not because I want to leave high school forever in the past, but more so I'm ready to try new things. College is what I want to be trying right now. Not going to lie, I am extremely excited for some of the classes I plan to take next year! Intro to Anthropology, Human Osteology, Forensic Anthropology. Yeah, I'll be set. And I love Hamline! I love the people, the campus, the opportunities, the location, EVERYTHING.

That's life how it is right now. Yay! Bye (:

Responsibility

We take risks and chances and sometimes get caught. Those are the glorious things called mistakes. Fine to make, as long as you learn from them sort of thing. Another part that goes with it, own up to it. We act knowing what the outcome may be and what the consequences for our choices could be. So when you act and it doesn't go as planned or it does and you get "caught" by whoever, don't try to dismiss it. You knew what you were doing was wrong so take responsibility for your actions. Admit your faults, say you were wrong, and make amends.

Ignoring the fact that you messed up equates to a huge loss of respect in my books. I will have so much more respect for someone who has made every mistake under the sun and can take responsibility for it than for someone who has made only a few and denies or dismisses them.

My charming words for the day: Live your life how you want to and be able to live with the world you create at the end of the day.

What doesn't get said in the "About Me" section

I was to have a job interview today, there was miscommunication in times so it didn't happen. But anywho, it got me thinking about what I was going to say when I was asked to describe myself. I hate that question, or the "How would your friends describe you?" ..I don't know, ask them!? Well, we ask these questions hoping to get a glance at who someone is beneath their surface, ya know, who we really are sort of thing. As a convenient personality analysis, I took (and recommend) the Myers Briggs Test. (And no, I am not trying to promote some company or business or anything if that's the impression you just got. What I am doing is saying "hey, I think this thing is cool, check it out.")



Website for online Myers Briggs Test : http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp


And after you have your result, if you google your 4 letters, there are SO many publication and analyses on each combination of letters.


My letters: ENTJ
I am Extroverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judgmental.

Here's what psychologists thus expect of me:

1. ENTJs? We're rare. As in 2% of the general population, breakdown of 3% of males and 1% of females.

2. Natural born leaders with a drive for leadership

Who wouldn't want to think of themselves as having the innate inclination to take charge? Which, I won't deny, I tend to. Example? Group projects, don't tell me what to do and we'll be all good. Or when group projects are awkward and everyone sits there not wanting to be the one to say something, I always wind up being like "Well, here's what we need to do. Who want's to do what?"

3. Not much room for error, dislike to see mistakes repeated.

I can see where I apply this to my social life, sometimes a bit too much. It's that fear of doing something wrong again or being embarrassed, even sometimes taking a risk and failing.

4. Not tuned in to others feelings, don't like to express their own.

True, and uh... True. Part 1 of that --> I am actually so horrible at perceiving how other people are feeling. As in, I usually think everything's great and fine instead of noticing someone's miserable or pissed or whatever. Part 2 gets a lot deeper in how true it is. I used to be a cutter, and never really understood why, until one day it FINALLY hit me why I actually did it. For me, it was that I would rather just cope on my own then reach out and look weak by sharing my emotions with another person. Breaking down in front of someone, anyone, was one of my biggest fears. I never wanted to cry in front of anyone. Ever. Period. Which is partially why I started making my blog public, because it would force me to open up to people instead of keeping it inside and worrying about someone discovering that those things called feelings and emotions existed in me. Hopefully as seen that I'm sort of coming clean on everything, I continue to get closer to being comfortable with expressing myself in front of people.

5.tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills

Simply, I am confident in myself, sometimes a bit too much so, and I know how to voice my opinion.

6. Excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into plans of action. Ambitious.

For anyone who doesn't know... I someday plan to work for the United Nations as a forensic anthropologist on their International Criminal Tribunal teams, be internationally known for my efforts in protecting human rights, and if my dreams come true, a Nobel Peace Prize winner. I consider that to be ambitious and translating my thoughts to a plan.

See? You got to know me better, I got to know me better. Go get to know yourself better and take the test for yourself. Discover some insight to who you are and embrace it.

Long Hair, Don't Care... Too Much

I'm not sure if the "long hair, don't care" is actually from something.. But I'll use it none the less. The picture in this post is from Thursday night. After getting home at about 1:30 in the morning. And oh yes, there is a story that illustrates why I don't care.

Thursday night was the annual foam party at Epic in April, and of course some of my girls and I were in attendance. We repeated the call and message to our speech coach like last year. Found a place to park, locked up our stuff, took a key, grabbed some form of ID and our money and left to finally go dance. Everything went great, except for some of my personal notes:
1. The grenade to attractive ratio was way too high.
2. If you are ugly, this sounds mean I know, but don't ask to dance with me. I come to the club to have fun, hot guys are fun.. It's simple math, really.
3. If I say no, don't follow me around and keep asking to dance. It's not happening.
4. Yeah, that's all I have for now. WAIT! What happens there a. Stays there and b. Is not used to judge anyone. Because I don't know about other people, but I would by far say, especially after this past time, that I am not going to act like my typical self.

Moving on to a, make what you want of it, story. Club closes, we leave. Walk to car, get hit on by drunk creeps at First Avenue. Finally make it to my car. I go to open my car door, guess what!? I have my house key.

Yep, we were stranded on First Avenue around midnight, 4 girls, looking like hot mess hoes because we had just came from the club, with our licenses (aka, legit IDs) locked in the car along with the car keys and all our phones. We then resort to using a stranger's phone (Stranger danger? Yes.) To call my dad, wake him up, and have him drive downtown to provide us with the other car key. After some miscellaneous and frightening adventures lasting about an hour or so, we still don't see my dad. Thus we walk by the drunks outside First Avenue again, talk to the bouncer, borrow his phone and finally are able to connect with my dad.

Key retrieved, we get back to the car and drive home. After 20 minutes of lost city driving. And there is how I wound up home at 1:30 in the morning on a Thursday night.

Back to the long hair, don't care. My hair has nothing to do with this, to be honest. After everything that happened that night... and the next, (I won't lie, a lot is not put on here for numerous reasons), I don't care too much any more. Socially, at least. Judge me, make assumptions, do as you please, because those thoughts are all superficial and simply my actions. Knowing what or who I do doesn't mean you know or understand me. Therefore, I'll be who I am, I'll try to like who I am a bit better and I'll rock that. I won't let what people say bring me down, cliche as it is, "people throw rocks at things that shine." And darling, I'm something that won't ever stop shining.

Honesty

I'm working on this. I feel like I have been for a long time, not saying that I am a compulsive liar. But the subtleties we do say to compensate for what we actually mean. The classic, "How are you?" Everyone always has the same answer: Good. It's like we fear actually speaking who are and where we are as a person. Thus, I'm trying to say everything how it is, honestly, without fearing what people with think of me for being who I am. Even if that means jumping over bridges to say the hard things. I'd say it's one of those things that has to be done to not live with any regrets.

Update

So in the middle of spring break, won't lie, it is soo nice to have a break from school! Although here's how break's been:
Day 1: Catch up with old friend, and then party all night sort of thing.
Day 2: Go to school. A college none the less! Hamline to be precise! And I must say, I love the campus and school more and more each time I'm there! AND I got have lunch and get a mini-tour from a friend there!

But I owe so much to the people who were there for me right before break began. Thanks for caring and stopping me from walking down the road I was so close to being on.

Anyways, I don't like sob stories so that is that.

Since Day 2 break has been a blur of gym, parties, work, and the like! I hope the rest of break continues on the lovely notes it has been, I assume it will because of the amazing thunder and lightning and rain storm tonight!

Lastly, Dandelion, a fabulous friend recommended it to me and it is an equally fabulous movie! Or what I saw of it anyways...

Nostalgia

From the Oxford Dictionary:

nostalgia

Pronunciation: /näˈstaljə, nə-/
noun

a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.


In my mind: Nostalgia, a beautiful, semi-painful, but not harshly so, thing.

I've been extremely nostalgic lately. Not missing the past, but remembering and reliving it. There have been so many wonderful memories, places, and people in my past. A lot of them are still here today. But everything changes with time so they're always different now then they were then. I got to looking at old pictures on Facebook, vacations of the past, parties from yesteryears, and quite honestly some reminders of how much of stranger who I was is compared to who I now am.

It's all those yesterdays that have shaped who I am and my perspective today. Travel has probably been the largest influence on me. I went to the Caribbean last year for Spring Break and I went to Germany for three weeks this summer. Those two trips really opened my eyes to a more worldly perspective, and how in comparison, a lot of my worries are irrelevant. Both trips reaffirmed how passionate I am about learning and appreciating other cultures, hence one of my reasons for being so excited to study anthropology next year.

But aside from the places, it really is the people. Even the ones you never speak to, the ones you just see, that have had the greatest impact on me. It's the mistakes I've made and what I've learned from them, the moments I'll never forget, the things I've learned about well...life, that have made me who I am today. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. Everyone that I've ever had any kind of relationship with has influenced me in some way, whether it be my musical preference or my life philosophies, they were all one of the reasons I am who I am.

Then there's the bitter side of nostalgia: everything single aspect of nostalgia has passed, never to relived or revisited precisely how it once was. It's sad quite honestly. Yet not a reason to dwell, if you look at it the right way. The right way for me right now is: "wow, that was wonderful and really something, so let's see what wonderful somethings tomorrow has in store."

My yesterdays were great and I hope every day can live up to that, maybe even always getting better.
Semper ad meliora : Always toward better things.

I don't call it life, this is paradise

But actually, my life is so amazing that I can't just call it "life" it truly is paradise. Also, for those who aren't musically in the know, the blog title is from "Pardisity" by Mod Sun. Anyways, WHY MY LIFE IS PARADISE:

-The people I have in my life are the greatest you will ever meet. To begin with my family; my brother is a bit crazy and wild at times but I know how much he admires me and how can anyone not adore someone who looks up to them so much?! Now my dad, he's the kind of guy who is super laid-back and puts a lot of faith and trust in me. He doesn't ask a lot of questions but he'll listen to me when I need to talk. As for my mother, I love her so much. I won't lie, she very often gets on my nerves and I wish she would leave me alone, but then I don't know what I would do without her. She is the one who no matter how big of a mistake I make, she is going to be on my side at the end of the day. She gives me a lot of support and pushes me to do what I want and to be my best at whatever that is. I suppose that was more so a dedication to how great of a family I've got, and I am extremely grateful for them. So.... other people:

-My friends, my support group, my base, my everythings! The people I'm friends with generically are the kids who aren't afraid to be themselves, they don't care what people think of them, and yes, they are a bit off-beat and dedicated to their video games... But, I wouldn't have them any other way. There's roughly 40 of us, and I can fairly say that we are a family of our own, there are the undeniable tensions but regardless of what drama there is, we're all one big loving group when all is said and done. Specifically for my closest friends. First off, no one would be wise to mess with them, I'm going to defend them no matter what it takes because I know they'd do the same for me. These people are the ones who are not just my best friends, but quite literally my sisters. We have the same problems and help each other to work them out, I tell them more than I would a diary.

-This one may seem a bit random, but my job at American Eagle! I loveee the staff their, they make my day every day I see them! I get great discounts at a store I love. And I get to interact with people and meet new people and all that jazz whenever I go to work!

-I have huge dreams and plans for the future. I prefer to call them plans than dreams, because plans are what happen while you're too busy thinking of dreams. For those who don't know, my plans are as follows: Hamline University for undergrad, majoring in Anthropology, minor in Biology and the certification in the Forensic Sciences. Then on to U of Tenn at Knoxville for my Master's and Doctorate in Biological Anthropology. Next become a ABFA certified forensic anthropologist and then settling into my career of being a forensic anthropologist for the United Nations on their International Criminal Tribunal teams, spending my time traveling and identifying genocide victims. As part of that I would like be an internationally known advocate for protecting human rights. In short, I like life because of how ambitious I am.

-My last point is going to be my perspective. I'd like to say I take a more optimistic view on life, I live in the moment, regret none of it, and make the best of it all. Not saying I don't ever have bad days or I don't have personal problems to ever work through, I'm just saying that I holistically I have a lot of fun living each day.

So there. That's what I have to say about why life is so great. Maybe you don't care that I love life, totally fine. But maybe you'll get to thinking about why you should maybe love it more. (:

Truth is.....

Here are some of my... confessions, beliefs, thoughts, and assorted ways for one to get to know me I suppose. Some of them will be more serious and some won't. It is what it is.

Truth is running before going to a Zumba class is a bad idea.
Yeah, I may have done this on Tuesday night and may have felt like passing out half way into the class.

Truth is there's no reason to not take chances. Unless they're dangerous I suppose.
Simply, go ask the guy/girl out! What is there to lose? I don't think there's often much to lose but often more to gain. Why not join Singing Valentine's when you're not in choir? Why not use that to go kiss random hot guys on Valentine's day?! Exactly. Also, totally did that this year. And had a blast I might add. Go ahead and rock that bright lipstick and those heels, if you like it who cares what others think, right?

Truth is I think the last guy I made out with may have broken my nose.
I wish I were joking but omg does the cartilage in the bridge of my nose hurt.

Truth is I don't want a date for prom.
Honestly, I can be confident and look hot on my own, I don't need someone by my side to feel that way. Now I'm not saying I'd reject everyone, I am however saying that if I go with someone--- don't take it too seriously. Senior year prom? I just want to have fun and make some memories.

Truth is public speaking used to be my biggest fear.
Then I joined debate because it was something I wanted to do, and then I had to get over my fear. But I don't think I really did until this current speech season where I was giving a speech that I wrote and that was therefore rather personal that I really did get over it. Getting over that fear has made me feel a lot more fearless and more confident. I am extremely comfortable walking up to just about anyone and starting a conversation.

Now to be more serious...

Truth is I don't need most people in my life, I choose to have them there.
So screw me over and hurt me, and I'll want you out of it. I may not immediately cut all ties, but I'll wish I could.

Truth is be blunt, not indecisive.
As cliche as it is "say what you mean to say." I've seen so many people, and I myself, have been hurt when people don't do this. If something's on your mind. Speak it, what good does it do to hide anything or keep it secret. Which sort of leads to my next one which is a big one for me.

Truth is: Don't lie. Be honest.
In a real life example, if we're dating, don't go out with another girl behind my back. Have the courage to say to my face that you don't want to be with me. Honesty is such a big deal for me. I hate lies with such a burning passion that if I were religious I would hope there is a special place in hell for liars to rot. If you can't admit who you are or your actions, why do it in the first place. I find lying to be so cowardly. Not that I'm perfect at this myself, I've lied to other people as well as myself, I just think it's something everyone needs to work on.

Truth is I try to hide all my emotions.
Despite how successful or unsuccessful I am at this, I am shamefully extremely emotional and emotionally fragile. In elementary school my teachers would tell my parents I was overly sensitive and not just that, but I let it show so much. I'd really like to think I do a better job of concealing it now but I don't know, I can't observe myself per say.

Truth is I want to get married. Someday. Maybe.
I always say I don't want to get married or have kids. But I'm not even sure how true that is, I like the whole romantic idea of falling in love and growing old together with all the glorious memories to accompany it all. I also know how damn much I care about my career and how I don't want anything to hold me back. And I realize, the right person wouldn't hold me back. Problem is, I fear I won't find that person.

Truth is I'm scared to let myself love someone again.
As soon as you love someone they have so much power and potential to hurt you.

Truth is I hate superficiality.
It's the "Hey, how are you?"
"Good, you?"
"Good, thanks!"
Even if one or both people is having a horrible idea. We always respond with "good" and by all means, plenty of times I bet it is good! But it's the times it's not where I wish people just answered with how it is.

Truth is I am so indecisive.
I never really even know what I want myself. I should work on this...

Truth is when I look back on some memories I still don't know whether or not to laugh and smile and enjoy them or to cry because they're over.

Dare to say it all.

So before I begin my long night of working out and working on my speech-- hell, maybe even relaxing?? I decided to finally have some courage and let people know this blog thing of mine exists. I don't write on here to please anyone, nor is this filtered for my audience as it all is on Facebook and Twitter. This is it, like my diary. Want my thoughts in all earnest? Here they are. If you don't like them, don't read them.


It should be pretty simple: here is my perspective of my life as raw as it gets.

I had to say it...

I wish you cared, not anything romantically or special, just cared enough as a friend to say "hi" and acknowledge the fact that:
1. I do still exist.
2. I was once a big part of your life for quite a decent amount of time, and you meant a lot to me likewise.
In short, I'm over it all; and I have been naive enough to believe that people sometimes really do stay friends after the end and now it another BAM from reality that that's not how it is.

Sunshine, Sunshine

Okay, I have a hell of a lot to do tonight so I'm making this quick. ( I got home from my second speech practice at 10:00... yeah ) Anyways, there is this tournament this weekend, big deal, national qualifier sort of thing. It is literally my only chance to compete at this tournament, I didn't do a real category in speech last year, and I am a senior this year; thus, this is it. So maybe I'm not the best, maybe I won't go to nationals, maybe I won't even break semi-finals, but it's my only chance to try. So I'm going to give it everything I can and all my effort, why half do something and always wonder WHAT IF you had actually tried and given it your all? That's why I am going to give my performances this weekend my all.

Now to broaden up to life, give every day your all. You only get to once.

Really though, YOLO

One shot at it all, right? You do only live once. You are born, you live, and you die. It's all that is guaranteed. Everything that happens in the middle is up to you. You get to decide what you're passionate about, what roads you want to take, what mistakes you want to make, what memories you want to make. I want my memories to be because I did everything I wanted, I want to take those risks and never have any regrets. Mistakes? Sure. A mistake doesn't have to be a regret, a mistake can merely be a wrong turn that you learned from. I've made plenty of those, but they all have taught me something different and allowed me to grow.

I'd like to think my growing right now is branching out. Meeting more and new people, getting to know the ones I know better, and discovering new things about myself everyday. For example, I tend to not like people.. But that's not a new discovery. A new discovery, after an admitted mistake, is that I don't like to just hook up with people, I want something emotionally there first. I prefer peaceful nights to going out and partying. Books, one of my top loves. As well as I've been thinking about how much I love handwritten letters, they're so personal. To compare, a handwritten letter = a face-to-face conversation > a text = talking on the phone. Sometimes I wish I lived in a simpler time, but I don't. So I'll just have to recreate the parts I like.

Well after seeing my background on here... Yeah, it needs to change it's not me.
I'm not who I was before and I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
I like to think I'm stronger, but yet I make myself throw up food, I starve myself if I have the self-control to, I cut myself.. So I'm not sure. I know where I want to go with my life and what I want to do, as for where to go emotionally and mentally? I haven't a clue. It still hurts how we ended, how much of us was fabricated in my head to be more than it was.. Or so you leave me to believe. It still hurts how you couldn't and still can't seem to see how amazing I am and why you shouldn't have been able to walk away from me as easily as you did. It still hurts how you lied and let me fall in love with you when you didn't give a damn. It still hurts how we say we're friends but you don't care or talk to me anymore. How I no longer exist in your world, as if I never did. It still hurts how you left me alone and like this.