One more day left? Really? Just one???

          Obviously I know tomorrow is (technically) my last day attending classes at Chaska High School, but I haven't quite absorbed this fact yet. The idea just sounds way too surreal to be true. At 3:00 tomorrow, my world is no longer that school but rather whatever I make it to be. I'm hoping to make my world one that isn't confined to the Twin Cities area but rather as international as possible. There are so, so, so, many things that we take for granted here or in any developed country. Some of the most basic things, such as our political and social freedoms and even right to exist as a human being, go unnoticed every day. To us they are such a part of our norm that we rarely, if at all, imagine what it would be like to lose it all. Unfortunately, the lack of that all and more are the norm for far too many people in this world. Which is why after all of my schooling (goal being a PhD in Biological Anthropology) and certifications (by the American Board of Forensic Anthropology) my dream is to serve as a forensic anthropologist for the United Nations identifying genocide victims. For me it would be the chance to show the rest of the world what injustices have been inflicted while no one was watching, to tell the stories of those who no longer can. My hope is to bring the world closer to a universal recognition and respect of human dignity.
         That's where I want to go with my life. But right now, I'm here; I am an eighteen year old girl, living in Chaska, Minnesota,college-bound, and still with so much to figure out. There are times where I still feel like the freshman who is intimidated by everyone and everything. Who can't talk to boys because that is clearly way too scary and what if I look or sound stupid. The sophomore who cared about sports. And only sports. (I should have cared more for the people in my life and how wonderful they were to me). The junior, that while one friend is pregnant, I still have yet to receive my first kiss to understand the concept of what it means to have a boyfriend or be in a relationship or "have a thing" with someone. The senior who is trying to take chances and live without regret. That is learning how to show emotions and feelings and accept that sometimes it is okay to have a bad day. It is okay to need to talk to someone. The senior that learned a lot, through good and bad experiences, throughout the year. 
       So, here's to  summer 2012. To going swimming in the dark when you're supposed to be at home, to the bonfires that lead to the meaningful heart-to-hearts, to cherishing what time we have to enjoy life with friends, to long days on the beach, to too often trips to Freeziac's, and to whatever else comes along the way. No matter what happens, it's going to be the best summer yet. It will contain more colors and more noise and more memories. :)

half-lost

I know who I am and who I want to be, but sometimes I have no idea what I am in this world.

Take a breath and let the rest come easy

That? Above? Yeah, it's how cool I was as freshman. I mean yeah. What more can I say, besides we all have those embarrassing pictures of ourselves from when were younger. But my oh my how time flies, we got the letters we wrote to ourselves in 7th grade this weekend. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who read that and was in some form of shock at how much things have changed and how quickly too. To think, (for those of us doing senior project), we have 7 school days left. Then we're allowed to never go back to that high school again. Anyways, not that anyone will care or understand my excitement, but my I talked to my senior project mentor today (one of the top forensic anthropologists in the nation and one of my professors for the next four years!) and she's just thrilled that she gets to be doing my undergrad work with me and she's going to be my adviser for at least freshmen (likely all four though) year! But wow. We're at the end. I'm not sure if it's it hit me entirely or not. Especially cause right now I can't decide whether everything is falling apart or falling together. I most certainly see what's falling apart and maybe it's for the best. But I also see how much my plans and dreams for the future are coming together. In addition to that, how much I have in my life and how many people in my life I have to be grateful for.  Nonetheless now is the I'm terrified to try and take a chance but also scared not to. I suppose it's a part of the fact that once high school is over, you really are your own person and you're given the rest of your life to decide who it is you want to be.

We have a few weeks  (sort of) left, we graduate, we have our senior party, there are grad parties. Then it's entirely possible to not see a lot of these people ever again. I think with that in mind, everyone should see how many people they can leave with positive memories of them.

"you can always reinvent yourself" -Justin Haffner

First off, for anyone who reads this, I'm a bit sorry. My posts tend to be all about me, given what else would someone expect form a personal blog? But still, it always seems a bit self-centered to write all about my life and half the time know nothing about anyone else. I guess what I'm attempting to say, is that if anyone ever needs an interactive diary, I'll be there to listen.

For anyone who cares for music: a song that has been stuck in my head the past couple of days is "Jolene" by Ray LaMontagne. His voice is rather soothing if I say so myself, and the lyrics are a sort of tragic beauty.

And now to connect back to what this whole post is about.

Tonight I attended the Chanhassen Speech and and Debate banquet (I was on their debate team). Afterwards I got to talking with my former discussion (a category in speech) coach, Mr. Haffner, and I got his words of wisdom and advice for the world after high school. The ones that stuck with me were "you can always reinvent yourself." I mean just think about that for a moment, how many times you've evolved as a person to become who you are today. How whatever happened in the past, good or bad, shaped every aspect about who you are. For me, I think about how much I have evolved and matured emotionally. Once upon a time I was terrified of feeling anything, then I began to and wound up getting hurt, then went to wishing feelings didn't exist at all. (The last phase didn't last as long as either of the other two did.) I'd just say that I have been at that point where I have experienced so many emotions that maybe I finally understand them all better. The song I mentioned earlier? There's this lyric, "still don't know what love means" and it somewhat haunts me. Because in short, I once thought I knew what love was, until I woke up and saw every reason why I didn't really, but whatever, life goes on. Because whatever is in the past, you absorb as a component of your make-up and no matter what it's going to impact you somehow. How that impact affects you, is how you reinvent yourself.



That felt emotionally loaded. Gross. I usually try to avoid anything that invokes too much emotion, it's just too risky and not my thing. So, on a lighter note.....Life is pretty great. I went to prom with one of my best friends, she is quite literally like my sister, she's the one who's been there to talk to me at 2:00 in the morning, who's offered to let me come crash at her house when I just need to get out of my house, who's encouraged me to do some of the most ridiculous things--none of which I have regretted, who is just as excited about positive things in my life as I am. Yep. And I really liked my dress for prom. I need excuses to wear it places. If you have ideas, let me know. I'm really looking forward to summer! Then again, who isn't?! I'm excited for all the memories I intend to hopefully make. I'm hoping to order a human osteology textbook and some Shakespeare for summer reading (I love love love A Midsummer Night's Dream). And overall I am so thrilled to start studying anthropology as a focus this fall! That's all I've got for now.